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2016. The Year of the Devil
Technically, 2016 is the year of the Monkey. But for me, 2016 has been the year of the Devil.
“That’s great, it starts with an earthquake
Birds and snakes, an aeroplane, and Lenny Bruce is not afraid”
It didn’t start with an earthquake in the literal sense, but achilles surgery last December was pretty much the equivalent for me. It totally rocked my world and started my year off in a place I hardly recognized to be my own life.
When I think back to the early months of January, February, March; they are somewhat of a blur. A grey blur that makes me shudder to think about. It was characterized by a lot of sadness, dreariness, and doubt.
“Eye of a hurricane, listen to yourself churn
World serves its own needs, don’t misserve your own needs
Feed it up a knock, speed, grunt, no, strength”
I felt like I was searching for the light at the end of the tunnel. A place, that once I reached, would make everything right again. I thought about this light, this place I wanted to be, every single day. I could see it. Feel it. And it motivated me to stay the course for several months.
“The ladder starts to clatter with a fear of height, down, height
Wire in a fire, represent the seven games
And a government for hire and a combat site
Left her, wasn’t coming in a hurry with the Furies breathing down your neck”
But once I actually got to the end of the tunnel, I realized things weren’t what I had imagined. I was not instantly healed or happy. I kept thinking all I had to do was make it to spring and life would be magical again. So not the case. 2016 was really testing my patience, sanity, and mental capacity for healing.
“Team by team, reporters baffled, trumped, tethered, cropped
Look at that low plane, fine, then
Uh-oh, overflow, population, common group
But it’ll do, save yourself, serve yourself”
However, after 12 long weeks dutifully moving through each day, I did begin to feel like myself again! I was able to enjoy about 4 weeks of pure, blissful running. I had hopes, I was optimistic, I was happy…..
And then out of nowhere, I was knocked down. Hard. I started feeling a weird tweaking feeling in my hip flexor. Nothing too bad, but enough to make me think twice. I was certain it would pass in a week or two, but 2016 had other plans for me…… Imaging revealed a stress fracture in my lesser trochanter.
“World serves its own needs, listen to your heart bleed
Tell me with the Rapture and the reverent in the right, right
You vitriolic, patriotic, slam fight, bright light
Feeling pretty psyched”
6 weeks of rehab. Well, what’s another 6 weeks? I’ve already been waiting 6 months, so I can do this. And so I did. I swam, I biked, I hung out with fiends, drank wine, traveled, etc. Basically tried to distract myself from all the fun adventures I was missing. Again, my patience, perseverance, and belief in my body to heal, were greatly tested.
And 6 weeks later, follow up imaging revealed……..another stress reaction in my femur.
2016 you little devil!
I couldn’t believe it. I was seriously going to miss the entire summer of running. Awesome. I’m not sure it’s actually a new injury or related to the first injury. But either way, it means sayonara running plans this summer. And my theme song continues……
“It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine”
At some point you really start to miss the thing you enjoy. It’s not just running I miss, but rather the freedom and to exist without pain. At this point I’ve totally let go of any expectations. My only goal for the summer is to heal and have a clean image in 6 weeks. Until then I plan to continue my pursuit for other activities that nourish my mind and body. I’m getting really good at swimming and I’ve been filling some of my free time with coloring, baking, and working on my tanlines.
Summer isn’t so bad. It’s really not the end of the world, although some days it feels like it. 2016 is going to go down as the year of the Devil and I cannot wait to put it behind me. Despite all of this, the silver lining is that I have learned so much about myself. And, there is nowhere to go but up. I’m thinking 2017 is going to be the year of the Gazelle…..
“Six o’clock, TV hour, don’t get caught in foreign tower
Slash and burn, return, listen to yourself churn
Lock him in uniform, book burning, bloodletting
Every motive escalate, automotive incinerate
Light a candle, light a motive, step down, step down
Watch your heel crush, crush, uh-oh
This means no fear, cavalier, renegade and steering clear
A tournament, a tournament, a tournament of lies
Offer me solutions, offer me alternatives, and I decline
It’s the end of the world as we know it (I had some time alone)
It’s the end of the world as we know it (I had some time alone)
It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine (It’s time I had some time alone)
I feel fine (I feel fine)
It’s the end of the world as we know it (It’s time I had some time alone)
It’s the end of the world as we know it (It’s time I had some time alone)
It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine (It’s time I had some time alone)
The other night I dreamt a nice continental drift divide
Mountains sit in a line, Leonard Bernstein
Leonid Brezhnev, Lenny Bruce, and Lester Bangs
Birthday party, cheesecake, jellybean, boom
You symbiotic, patriotic, slam but neck, right? Right
It’s the end of the world as we know it (It’s time I had some time alone)
It’s the end of the world as we know it (It’s time I had some time alone)
It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine (It’s time I had some time alone)
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine (It’s time I had some time alone)
It’s the end of the world as we know it (It’s time I had some time alone)
It’s the end of the world as we know it (It’s time I had some time alone)
It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine (It’s time I had some time alone)
It’s the end of the world as we know it (It’s time I had some time alone)
It’s the end of the world as we know it (It’s time I had some time alone)
It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine (It’s time I had some time alone)”
Holy shit Steph really sorry this is coming down on you but that’s life and endurance sports unfortunately. As you are experiencing there is more to life than running and that is good. Top level sports will really push you to the edge and sometimes the body just won’t respond like we would like it too. You gotta embrace it, learn from it and move forward. Be patient, it will get better and new doors will open.
Thanks! Yeah, it hasn’t been my best year but I’m learning a lot about myself. There is WAY more to life than running. I’m fortunate to have other things to keep me balanced when running isn’t happening. Thanks for the note! It really makes me smile to know people are wishing me well 🙂
Thanks for sharing such a gift in words that we can all relate to in one form or another. Emotion is so informing on what is important in life.
Thanks Kenny! I couldn’t agree more 🙂
Dear Stephanie,
Just wanted to let you know that your posts have been an incredible emotional help for me during the past year and you truly inspire me in the way you battle with your injuries.
During the last 1.5 years i have learnt the hard way that there’s nothing more important than the pure gift of just running pain free. I couldn’t run for nearly 8 months due to severe hamstring injury and now just as i started to feel ‘myself’ again it seems that i’m facing another injury and i’m not able to run the race i’ve been waiting to run the whole year.
Thanks so much for sharing your story. I guess it’s easier to think i’m not the only one having ‘the year of the devil’..Wishing you a fast recovery and a future full of pain-free runs !
Thank you so much! I literally feel your pain…. There is nothing worse than thinking you are over an injury, only to be plagued with a new one. My best advice is to keep optimistic and focus on what you CAN do. Even if it’s not something active. I love baking, painting, and creative projects. They don’t fulfill me quite the same way as running, but they are a great way to expand your interests and spend your free time. I sincerely hope you recover fast too!